know who you are

Sorry everyone but my computers being stupid and it won't let me upload the picture of my newspaper but here's what it says.

"You are not alone. You're just slightly Incapable of noticing you."

I remember...

I remember falling asleep to my dad tickling my back as I lay across his lap.

I remember my mom making me macaroni and cheese before I went to to my kindergarten class.

I remember hating my grandma for saving Janessa and I from the dog but not that terrified kitten.

I remember crying about it now...

I remember when my family thought I was the sweetest little girl.

I remember being forced to have my hair curled and put on leather pants that stuck to my legs for family pictures in the fall.

I remember being placed in my crib and everything being so happy that night as I stared at my canopy.

I remember watching the care bears while I ate applesauce.

I remember having the womanhood talk with my sister and my mom and thinking that that was disgusting that my sister was already at that stage.

I remember telling myself that I would never go through that.

I remember going through that... stupid.

I remember feeling that lump on my thigh for the first time.

I remember that it was right after my friend got cancer.

I remember praying that it wasn't cancer because that would be the worst thing in the world.

I remember reflecting on my dad's cancer.

I remember everyone that loves me and knowing that I will be fine no matter what happens.

I remember loving all of them in return.

I remember committing myself to my life.

We're here for each other

It pumps a million times a day constantly.
It never fails me.
Sometimes, it hurts... but only when he's not there.
It is the center of love.
And it loves me.
It's sole purpose is to keep me alive and it makes sure that everyone else is doing their job too.
It wants the best for me.
It feels.
It understands me.

I can count on it.
I accept what it offers me.
I do what I can to protect it.
I use it.
I involve it in everything I do.
Unfortunately, I forget about it sometimes, I forget that it's there.
I forget all that it does for me.
But still, I love it.
And I will always come back to it in the end.

It is my heart.

For Granted

I've grown up in the most beautiful area in Utah. 
Everywhere you look in Utah it's brown but where I live, it's green.  And in the winter, as you're driving down in my neighborhood, the trees hunch over the road as if to greet you as you're driving down the hill and it's so white.  The trees are just filled with snow.
Then you go around my neighborhood and every house is covered with large oaks or cherry trees in their front yard.  If you're flying above me you'll see a big green bowl of happiness and people driving around as busy as can be taking everything around them for granted...

I'm not afraid to die

I am not afraid of death.
Everybody thinks that it is just the worst thing that could happen to a person and they are so scared of dying, but that just isn't me.

I know how I'm going to die.
I mean I know how I'm going to die as long as it's not something spontaneous like getting hit by a bus or in a plane crash. 
Basically, if everything goes as planned I'm going to end up dying of Alzheimers.

Now that does scare me.

Do you know what Alzheimers is?
Alzheimers destroys even the brightest of minds. 
First memory deteriorates, then reasoning. 
After five to twenty years, the person becomes emotionally flat, then disoriented and disinhibited, then incontinent, and finally mentally vacant- a sort of living death, a mere body stripped of its humanity. 

So, no.  I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of losing myself.  That would be the worst thing in the world.

So I'm going to spend my life doing everything that is good for me.  I'm going to live my life exactly the way that I want to.  Not that it matters since I'm going to forget it anyway but at least when I lose my mind, I will have done everything that I wanted to and I will be able to read about it in my journals.

How to Procrastinate.

How to Procrastinate:

1. First you need something to do.
2. You need a deadline.
3. You need to have it in the back of your mind at all times of the day. (Like it needs to bug you and churn at your soul every time you think about it.)
4. You need to sit on the couch and watch netflix, go on facebook or pinterst,  hang out with friends, take a nap, stare at the wall, etc. (Basically something pointless that takes up way more time then it should)
5. Participate in this activity until the morning of the deadline.
6. Then it's your choice to either do whatever it is you put off for so long or you can procrastinate further to the point where you are 100% unprepared.
7. Take my advice. Because I didn't write this blog until the day after it was due which makes me the master procrastinator.

Shoulder Knots

"Oh dear what have you done to your shoulders.  They're filled with knots" he said.

"That one that you're touching is the homework I forgot to do this weekend.  Oh that one there was the fight I had with my sister last night.  Not too big but still it causes strife in my life.  Oh and that one there, that was when she gossiped about it to my whole family like a high school teenager.  That's a little worse than the other but I'm sure the one that's creeping up on her is a million times worse.  OW!!! OK, ya that one must've been all the days I have spent tearing down others with my words.  I don't think I intentionally allowed it to get that big but now that I know, I would like it massaged out of my life if you don't mind.  ow.... this is a painful process."

"And what about these scars?"

"Those are the knots I had to cut out of my back.  Don't worry it wasn't as painful as it sounds.  I kind of deserved it to be honest. But at least it's over now and all that's left is that scar to remind me that I have learned that lesson."

"So what's the story behind them?"

"No story.  I just have spent years burdening myself for no reason and clearly as you can see I'm a little tense.  To be honest I think that if I make one more mistake like that tennis ball one there I just might burst.  I sincerely hope that that knot right there goes away soon because I really feel bad about that one.  I deserve all these knots.  I brought them upon myself.  I just hope that everyone is as kind as you to forgive me for my wrongs and maybe one day my knots will be nothing but a bad nights sleep. Thankyou.  And I'm sorry."